Closets (In a Style & Gender Way)

The endless verbs of style and a top surgery plot twist.

My body has changed dramatically and often. I started adulthood by recovering from an eating disorder. In the last five years I’ve experienced pregnancy, postpartum hormone upheaval, going on HRT and off HRT, oh and top surgery! I’ve also just aged! I’m 32, and this feels like a surprise to me sometimes.

This is all to say that every day I get dressed is an accomplishment, none of my clothes fit on accident and despite being 32 I feel like I am a brand new human all the time, dressing my body for the first time too.

These radical body changes feel like an integral part of my relationship to my clothing. There’s a chance that in another 5 years my body will be approximately the same but I’ll still be in this cycle of verbs with my wardrobe. But I’m hopeful that I’m settling into myself. Not in a way that stops growing and changing, but in a way that stops running away from alternative versions of me.

There is always advice on rediscovering your style and reorganizing your closet. Part of this feels like another foothold for consumerism. If you’re constantly trying to find the perfect, mythical capsule wardrobe, it can serve as an incentive to just keep splurging until you find the right pieces. But it also feels like a natural part of being a human. Of course I want to wear different things as a 32 year old parent in North Carolina than I wore as a 24 year old nanny in New Jersey. Even if the same clothes fit and trends hadn’t changed, I’ve changed. My life and climate have changed! I need more summer outfits in North Carolina than I ever needed in New Jersey. To misquote Olivia Rodrigo, “God, it’s humid out here.”

Changing cannot be entirely blamed on a sinister capitalist plot. It’s a morally neutral fact of life.

Before top surgery, I anticipated my post-op fashion sense to be a mix of pansy and slut. This language may be jarring, but it always got me where I was going with queer friends. Straight friends have compared my fashion goals to Harry Styles, if that helps you. I thought I’d be reaching for mesh and bold colors. I thought I’d be embracing my new silhouette in a really specific way.

But top surgery is an amazing thing. My gender feels unlike anything I’ve experienced before.

To be very clear, this isn’t a plot twist, “I regret top surgery” statement. On the contrary, I am so radically comfortable in my body. I’m just more comfortable than I ever could have imagined. It’s a completely new way of being. It’s incredible! But so surprising.

Before top surgery, I felt certain that my presentation was masculine of center. I love they/them pronouns, but he/him always feels a little fancier and more exciting to me. I love being sir’d by a barista. Those preferences haven’t changed.

But now that I’ve had top surgery, I’m not determined to use fashion to prove that I’m masculine of center. I’m not fighting my body with every outfit. I can’t believe I get to type that sentence. I’m so so lucky.

I find myself reaching for skirts for the first time in years. And I mean really reaching for them, because I had to buy skirts. I didn’t own any! I love wearing a top that absolutely would’ve required a bra beforehand somewhat conspicuously. I even like wearing the occasional bralette on my flat chest, who’d have thought? Overalls have been an adulthood staple of mine, but now only shortalls and jumpsuits actually feel like good silhouettes. (This specific overall phenomenon is one I know multiple trans masc people relate to, which is weird and honestly something I’d love to explore more someday.) We love a surprise, and I’ve surprised myself.

In the midst of this season of gender and fashion exploring, my friend Jaime sent me a Pinterest board. Jaime was not spamming me with random pins, instead she was following

Dacy Gillespie

’s best tip for defining her style. I recommend visiting the post itself, but the tip is pretty straight forward. When making a Pinterest or other platformed mood board of your sense of style, trust your gut. Pin everything, don’t discern, and then pare down. I was inspired to follow suit, because when Jaime sent me her board, I could immediately see what she was going for.

Before this, I hadn’t used Pinterest for a million years. When I was planning my wedding I spent plenty of time there and then abandoned the platform entirely. In the intervening years I’ve occasionally popped back on the site just to be frustrated by how many links felt more like ads, etc etc. But honestly this time around? I found the project delightful.

I don’t intend to spend a ton of time on Pinterest but I am glad to remember what a useful visual tool it is. Of course, this isn’t an ad for Pinterest. This is an ode to my own style. (I say humbling, jokingly, tongue in cheek, you get it.) Below is a screenshot of my fine-tuned Pinterest board. Let’s talk about it.

Making this board taught me a few things about my own style. My favorite lesson is the realization that I love layers. Okay, I already knew that I loved layers. But sometimes I worry that I love layers because of some complicated internalized anti-fat bias. Am I trying to give myself a slimmer silhouette? I know that’s why I love the millennial tuck. But making this board made it clear to me, I just love layers. Body shape doesn’t matter, I think layers are cool.

I’ve also realized that while I’m really drawn to loud and exciting prints, I do prefer to pair them with solids as a rule. This is something else that maybe I knew on some level, but I often ignore when browsing Poshmark. When I’m shopping, I want the loud and exciting. But when I’m shopping my closet, I could probably use another plain white t-shirt or two.

The most fun part of the process was Jaime’s idea entirely. After completing her board, Jaime sent it to a few friends asking for three words that define the pictured style. I asked multiple friends because I either forget to open my messages app for a day or send 12 texts in an hour and I did this exercise on a day like the latter. Here are some of my favorite responses:

For context, my friend Lindsey added that hank here was meant of or relating to Hank Williams, because they rightfully noted that I am a subtle yeehaw.

More context! Jackson here is referring to Jackson from Gilmore Girls, this was a devastatingly accurate read from my friend Han.

I was honestly surprised only one friend used eclectic, because it’s definitely a word I’ve felt close to for while.

These are the words I got from Jaime herself, the accidental inspiration for my Pinterest board and this particular newsletter.

Like I said, this was the most fun part to me. To be honest, I’m still not sure exactly what three words I’d use to describe myself. Some other words I didn’t screenshot include patterns, queer, and comfy. These are all words I definitely relate to! Paring down my Pinterest board took some time and thought, paring down my words will take some thought too.

This was such a fun, fruitful exercise. I referred back to my Pinterest board when I grabbed my two new pieces for the summer, a skirt and jumpsuit that fit my newfound body and gender. I don’t need many pieces for the colder seasons here, but I’ll be trying to check my purchases against this board for a while. Fast fashion and budget-minded shopping often cloud my own understanding of what to by, and this feels like a great way to make sure the wardrobe I’m building mirror the wardrobe I actually want.

If you make a Pinterest board and you’re in need of three words, honestly, feel free to ask me! And if a different three words pop up for you regarding my Pinterest board, let me know. When it comes to words, I’m still shopping.

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The writer of this fashion tip,

Dacy Gillespie

recently had a style challenge with

Virginia Sole-Smith

and

Corinne Fay

, a substack crush trifecta in my book. I didn’t participate in a timely fashion, but this conversation has been playing on repeat in my head since I read it. If this newsletter makes you want to think about your closet, I can’t suggest this conversation strongly enough.